Love. A powerful element that makes us do things for the good of others.
In this blog post, I am not just writing about "love", I am also going to be sharing to you something that I don't like to talk about. "The Story Of Us".
To be honest, I only had one boy friend. I was 13 and he was 14 years old when we met.
At this age, I never had the "he is the one" or the "I want to marry this guy" kind of thoughts.
I just decided to be in a relationship because I was curious of what its like.
At this age, I never had the "he is the one" or the "I want to marry this guy" kind of thoughts.
I just decided to be in a relationship because I was curious of what its like.
Our love story was like Romeo and Juliet. My family was against him because he looked like he was a drug addict. So during summer it was good bye, Romeo.
But it wasn't really the end of our story. After that summer, we started another convo, but I will not be sharing the story of my ex-Romeo and I.
So I will fast forward this story to "that guy".
Not my guy, but "that guy".
He is not the type of guy that every girl would notice at first glance. He doesn't have the abs.
He doesn't look like Channing Tatum or Robert Pattinson. He was not the campus crush.
He was 100% different. He was like a bear. Round and fluffy..
In the eyes of some people, he was ordinary.
But in mine, he was beyond that. He has a passion for God and it was the most attractive feature a man can possess.
I showed to my friends a picture of him, and some gave a comment about his body figure.
Some told me that "Pork and Beans" was better because he had the abs and the looks.
They told me that nothing was special about "that guy". I showed them my smile and stayed silent.
When you start to like a person, it doesn't really matter what they look like, because true beauty comes from within and not from what we see. Our physical appearance will not last forever, but who we are on the inside will never rot.
How did we met? *insert rewind* I had this question about the fellowship at church. And I saw his name on Facebook, so I stalked him a little bit, then sent him a private message.
My heart skipped a beat when he replied! Hahaha.
(February 14, 2016) First fellowship and the day when I finally saw that guy in person.
This may sound cheesy, but when I first saw him, it felt like the time had stopped.
And starting that day, I forgot about the prince bubble gum charming.
(Aweeee! Sweet kau mi! Valentines day among adlaw. HAHAHA! Sauna rapud na.)
Sadly, we didn't had a long convo.
I was nervous and the only sentence I could say was "Abi nako mag tuxedo ka?"
Rest in peace to those who can't understand bisaya hahaha!
I didn't expect that we would be SUPER CLOSE after that.
I had a fight with my girl best friend and we usually go home together, but because of the fight, she left me. I never like the idea of being alone, and that guy made me feel like he was always there for me. That started everything. Everyday after school, I would wait for him so that we could go home together.
"Tala na. sakay nata sakung fortuner."(as if naa. hahaha) and "I'm driving. Please call later." are his lines that are my number one favorite.
He made me stop my bad habits. Self harm and saying bad words.
I'm not a princess. I always felt like I was an outcast and the black cat(bad luck) in the group.
That is why I distance myself from people.
But to that guy, I was amazing.
Imagine a guy who loves all of your imperfections. A guy who thinks your positive and negative sides are amazing.
(July 7, 2016) FIRST LOVE LETTER.
It was on my birthday. He made three long messages. First was sent in my messenger, second was a 45mins video message, third was a hand written love letter.
I told him that I don't want to celebrate my birthday because I always end up crying.
I told him that I don't want to celebrate my birthday because I always end up crying.
But he surprised me. And on Sunday "unexpectedly". Our outfits matched! And it was 200% unplanned! For me, it was really cute.
It's rare to have someone who would make such an effort to make you feel so important.
Some people thought I was so blessed! And I am..
But... that guy was a blessing I kept on pushing away. I was so scared of being attached..
So scared that there might be a time that he might get tired or bored of me then leave me hanging just like what others did to me. I try to deny my feelings and that really made me feel so wrong.
I hate to love again because I'm afraid to lose myself again.
I pushed him away. It hurts so bad when you want to love someone, when you want to give them your all, but you're too afraid of being disappointed again. I loved him. But I never showed im. I never will. Not anymore.
I tried to walk away, but I always found myself turning around and running back to find that guy in a crowd full of people. I wanted to say "please don't give up on me", but I was too scared. I don't want to beg someone to stay. I don't want to force someone to stay. I don't want to force someone to do something for me. I know that not everyone is going to stay just because you ask them to.
On December. The most beautiful time of the year.
A little fight happened before youth camp. I wanted to explain. But when I came closer, he pushed me away. And it really hurts. It made me feel a lot scared. So I was starting to have this panic feeling.
A little fight happened before youth camp. I wanted to explain. But when I came closer, he pushed me away. And it really hurts. It made me feel a lot scared. So I was starting to have this panic feeling.
Is this my punishment for pushing you away?
After youth camp, I updated my blog.
(February 14, 2017) FRIENDSHIP ANNIVERSARY.
That guy did gave up on me. And I did my best not to face that fact. But you can never close your heart to things you don't want to feel. Does it really hurt? Yes. Will I ever tell you? No.
I told my mom what happened and then I asked her, "Did I do the right? If I did, then why does it hurt?" She smiled and told me that I was just scared and if that guy was really for me, he would wait until the time will come that I'm not going to be too scared.
Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me, and you will see, it isn't me anymore.
This is a possible result of one bad relationship. FEAR.
What happened next? It wasn't a happy ending. It wasn't just the wallpaper that changed.
The bond that I thought that was stronger than covalent bond, was weaker than the strands of my hair.
I didn't just lost one of the people I love. I also lost my best friend.
"FRIENDSHIP OVER".
Just like every love story. When it is not a happy ending, the friendship is also destroyed.
One day, he told me not to comment on any of his post. Never to like or react. Never to ask how his day was going. Never to show that I cared. It was as if he wants me to feel that I didn't deserve to exist in this world.
Then I found out I was instantly replaced. Amazing.
(Yes. Pati best friend naa nay instant.)
Even though I knew the truth, I still asked him if it was true. But he lied.
The worst part about being lied to is knowing that you aren't worth the truth.
I kept my mouth shut about that. Denying the fact that it hurts.
It hurts when the person who made you feel so special yesterday, makes you feel so unwanted and stupid today.
You lied to me. Why?
I hate seeing you. And if I could turn back time. To that night that I asked you a question
Sorry. But I would stop myself and do everything so that I would never want to send that message.
Sorry. But I would stop myself and do everything so that I would never want to send that message.
Because after all we've been through, you've changed. It's like you only became my best friend because you wanted something from me.
It turned out that you're just like those people who turn into someone they promised that they never will. You promised that you would never leave no matter what. Funny! Because you obviously left. You said you would never break your promise. Maybe I was the idiot for believing in you.
"It's funny how the person who hurts you is the one who swore they never would."
I said I'm over you. I said it's okay. I said it doesn't matter. I said I understood.
But every time my phone vibrates, my heart wishes it's a text from you.
I wrote a lot of long messages for you and then about a halfway through, I realized you don't care anymore. And then end up deleting it.
We used to talk a lot. And now we don't...
It hurts, but I'm getting used to it.
Did I wish that you would knew how badly you messed me up? NO. I wish that I would stop caring about you. Sometimes caring too much can leave you hurt. Because the person you care so much is no longer the person he is now.
Readers, there's always a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you and not put themselves in a situation that they might lose you.
And difference between love and infatuation. Remember that.
There are still stories we haven't told. And story is just a small part of it.
NEVER make promises you can't keep.
Love is like handing someone a gun pointed at your heart and hoping that they never pull the trigger.
"It is giving someone the ability to hurt you, but trusting them not to."
There's one thing I've realized from all of this....
That guy never loved me.
Sincerely,
The Knight In Shining Skirt
LINKS:
I Criiiiiied... I just want to hug you right now bibi
ReplyDeleteThank you ate!💖ðŸ˜
Delete